


mission status: what the hell

by rathalos



Category: Naruto
Genre: .... I think, Gen, Humor, Tora retrieval mission, wtf is this title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22920934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rathalos/pseuds/rathalos
Summary: Finding Tora and returning him to Madam Shijimi was a mission every genin team took on sooner or later. It was a rite of passage. It was unavoidable. It was fate. It was a nightmare. It was . . . it was . . .It was Kakashi’s way of repaying Team 7 for all the stress they’d been causing him recently.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Kudos: 55





	mission status: what the hell

**Author's Note:**

> this was mostly just to practice writing in past tense so dont expect any like. REAL quality from this. also wtf, i slammed it out in like 2 hours

“So wait,” Naruto said. “All we gotta do is find this stupid cat?”

Kakashi smiled. “Yes, Naruto, that’s exactly it. Do you remember the description I gave you?”

“I, uh,” Naruto said, scratching his head. “B-brown?”

“That was literally ten minutes ago,” Sakura said, irritation clear in her voice. “Not brown. Orange. With stripes. His collar is bright pink and says ‘Tora’ on it.”

Sasuke said nothing, preferring instead to glower at his teammates.

“Well, one of you remembers it. Good enough, as far as I’m concerned,” Kakashi said. That was good enough for mission prep; he had places to go and things to do. “Come get me when you’re done, ‘kay?”

“Wait—” Sakura called out, but he’d already body flickered away.

* * *

“—where will we . . . ” Sakura trailed off.

“We’ll find him, Sakura! We always do!” Naruto said.

It was probably supposed to reassure her but Sakura only felt more annoyed. “Let’s just get started,” she sighed. “Naruto, can you make some shadow clones? Sasuke, um, can you, uh.”

As she struggled to find her words, Naruto quickly—and loudly—performed his jutsu and the street around them experienced a surge in orange tracksuits. At least fifty of them. Sakura scanned the crowd and nodded. This was enough for now. Probably.

“You guys split up and look for him all over. If you were a cat, where would you look?” Sakura said to Naruto’s shadow clones, electing to let Sasuke lean against a building and cross his arms for now. The clones grumbled a little about Sakura taking charge but eventually the street cleared again and it was just Team 7, minus Kakashi, who, realistically, was still around and just masking his chakra. “Let’s go talk to Madam Shijimi and ask where she last saw him. Sound good?”

“Yeah! We’ll find that cat—believe it!” Naruto cheered.

“Hn,” Sasuke said.

Good enough.

Sakura checked the slip of paper Kakashi had given her. Along with their mission objective, an address was hastily scrawled onto it. She knew where that street was; a lot of inns had been built there before she was born, or so her father had told her.

The address led to easily the largest inn on the block. Sakura wasn’t quite sure how they were going to find her room—was it okay to just ask?

Despite her trepidation, she entered the inn, Naruto and Sasuke in tow.

* * *

“You! You three, with the forehead protectors!”

Naruto froze. He hadn’t been able to tell Sakura to leave him outside because she’d dragged him in and now he worried they would all pay for that mistake. This was a civilian sector of Konoha and nothing good would happen if he was recognized.

He looked toward whoever had called for them. What he saw was a short woman hastily approaching them. She was crying; her makeup was running down her cheeks and she was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

“Tch. What do you want?” Sasuke asked, sneering at her. “Get lost if you don’t have anything better to do than bother me.”

The woman looked taken aback. “I—I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s just—I was expecting some genin. My cat’s gone missing, you see, and—and—oh, I just can’t take it! Tora, where are you!?”

She blew her nose while Sakura leaned toward Naruto and Sasuke.

“Sasuke,” Sakura said in a low voice. “That’s Madam Shijimi. Show some respect!”

“What do we do?” Naruto whispered. Madam Shijimi blew her nose again. “She’s crying! I don’t know how to deal with crying people!”

“You don’t have to,” Sakura said. She frowned and turned back toward their client. “Yes, we accepted that mission.”

Instantly, Madam Shijimi lit up. “Thank the stars! You have no idea how worried I am. My poor baby, out in this city all alone . . . what’s the world come to?”

“We’ll find him, promise,” Sakura said earnestly. “But we just have some questions for you.”

“Anything,” she said, sniffling.

* * *

This was the worst mission Sasuke had ever participated in. There was no strength to be gained from locating a missing cat. In fact, he could actively feel himself growing weaker as he listened to the conversation Sakura was having with the daimyo’s wife. He had no idea why he had to be involved in this.

“That’s all I needed to ask,” Sakura said, at long last.

Sasuke pushed himself off the wall in anticipation of finally, _finally_ leaving, and Naruto continued to stare off into space as he had been doing for the past ten minutes. He probably wasn’t absorbing a word either of the other two were saying.

“Thank you so much,” Madam Shijimi babbled.

Sakura smiled. It was probably fake. “Of course. It’s our job. We’ll be leaving now. Naruto, Sasuke.”

As soon as they left the building Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. Not that he would ever have admitted that out loud.

“So where do we go?” Naruto asked, confirming Sasuke’s suspicions about his inattention.

“ . . . Are you kidding me?” Sakura said. She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Fine, I’ll summarize. She said she last saw him here, before she was getting ready for bed. He was in her room. When she woke up the next morning, she couldn’t find him, and went down to the administration building to get some help.”

“Um,” Naruto said.

“That _means,_ ” Sakura said, “that we should start here and work our way outward. We should stick together—and who knows, one of your clones might just find him and come back and make this easier.”

“Oh. Got it!” Naruto said.

Sasuke figured he should pitch in too. “Hn.”

“I’ll check on the rooftop for starters,” Sakura said. “You guys can take the alleys and side-streets around here.”

* * *

It was hopeless. Sakura had been searching rooftop after rooftop for well over an hour and she had nothing to show for it. Occasionally she checked in with Naruto and Sasuke, but neither of them had seen a cat matching Tora’s description. They were working in a spiral outward from the inn. It probably wasn’t the most time-efficient route, but Sakura wanted to be thorough.

It had been two hours, and they were over a kilometer away from where they’d started. One by one, over the course of those hours, Naruto’s clones had slowly dispersed and he’d come up to the rooftops and told her where they searched. None of them had found Tora either.

Just when she was beginning to think it was hopeless, she had an idea.

“Guys!” she called out. Naruto’s head peeked out at her from under the awning of a building and she heard Sasuke grunt affirmatively from somewhere below her. “I have an idea! We should ask Hinata’s team.”

“Why?” Naruto asked.

“Idiot,” Sasuke said. “They’re all trackers. But why would they help us?”

“Did you see how much she’s paying for us to do this? We could easily split the pay with them and still come out with a lot,” Sakura said. “Come on. The worst they can do is say no.”

As it turned out, they said no. The moment Sakura mentioned a lost cat, Kiba’s eyes had lit up in recognition and he’d shaken his head.

“I’ve taken the mission before. You guys gotta do it yourself,” Kiba said. Behind him, Hinata shuddered. “No other way.”

“I agree. Why? Because this mission involv—mmph!”

“Don’t spill the beans about it,” Kiba said, rolling his eyes. When Naruto began to complain, Kiba shook his head again. “It’s not that hard, promise. Just, really annoying.”

“Oh,” Sakura said, dejected. “Well . . . thanks, anyway. We’ll keep looking then.”

“Good luck. Honestly,” Kiba said.

“Yeah,” Sakura said.

She turned to leave, but Hinata’s voice stopped her.

“U-um,” Hinata said. “If I c-can provide some advice?”

“Go ahead, Hinata!” Naruto said.

Sasuke nodded nearly imperceptibly.

“B-b-buy something for him to eat,” Hinata said, pressing the tips of her fingers together. “Cats love t-treats.”

Finally, something they could work with. Sakura figured they could dip into a pet store and get a jar of cat chews or something. Maybe when Tora heard her shaking it, he’d come for some.

“Awesome,” Sakura said. She smiled at Hinata. “Thanks a bunch.”

Team 7 and Team 8 went their separate ways. Just before Kiba was out of earshot, Sakura heard him say, “Aw, Hinata, you didn’t—” and then his voice faded, covered by the hustle and bustle of Konoha’s busy daytime streets.

* * *

“One hundred ryo they give up before the sun sets.”

“Three hundred they give up after finding him.”

“Haruno won’t be able to handle it.”

“Oh? One-fifty she’s the one to lead him back.”

“You’re on.”

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here? Betting pool?”

“Kakashi’s little brats are taking the Tora mission.”

“Oooooh.”

“Indeed.”

“What do we got going so far?”

“Well . . . ”

* * *

They were on the right track. Kitty kibble, however, was no substitute for fresh meat. But it would work. Probably.

* * *

“Tora! Toooooraaaaaa!” Naruto called, shaking his little bag of cat treats. “Come out, come out, wherever you are! Your owner misses youuuuu!”

It was taking forever. Just when Naruto was on the verge of throwing the bag into the side of a building out of sheer frustration, he heard _the sound._

It was a deep, almost gravelly meow, and it came from an alleyway to his right.

“Sakura! Bastard! I heard something!”

Sasuke materialized at Naruto’s right. Naruto barely refrained from jumping out of his own skin. Sakura jumped down from the nearest roof like a normal person.

“Really?” Sakura asked. “Where?”

“In that alleyway!” Naruto said, pointing. “We gotta corner it so it doesn’t get away.”

“ _If_ it’s even Tora,” Sasuke said.

“We haven’t seen a single other cat today. What are the chances it’s _not_ Tora? And besides, it doesn’t hurt to be cautious,” Sakura said, shrugging. “I’ll go around to the other side. Count to twenty-five and go in, okay?”

She walked up the side of the nearest building and was gone. Naruto counted, but lost his rhythm somewhere around ten. Luckily for him, Sasuke had faced no such difficulties and proceeded slowly into the alleyway. Naruto trailed after him, hating to follow in the bastard’s footsteps but having no other choice. If he tried to walk next to Sasuke it was likely he’d only get shoved.

Sasuke froze in front of him, and Naruto crashed into his back.

“Hey? Sasuke?” Naruto asked. Sasuke didn’t move, so he pushed forward to see what was holding him up. “What’s—ah.”

Orange: check.

Stripes: check.

Bright pink collar that said Tora: check.

Cat: . . . check?

Sakura met their eyes over Tora’s shoulders. Her eyes were wide, and she shook her head frantically. Tora flicked an ear in her direction but did nothing else to acknowledge she had moved.

It was Naruto who broke the tense silence.

* * *

“Nice . . . kitty?” Naruto said, shaking the bag of treats in a manner he probably thought was enticing.

_Stop!_ Sasuke screamed mentally. _You are going to get us EATEN BY THE TIGER. NARUTO WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT._

A tiger. A fucking tiger. Of _course_ Madam Shijimi’s “cute, precious, cuddly-wuddly Tora” was an actual tiger. He should have known the mission wasn’t as easy as bringing a lost cat back to its owner—and honestly, based on how it was going so far, “easy” was debatable.

Sasuke would just as soon nail Tora in the head with a kunai than attempt to drag him back to the inn. His fight-or-flight instincts were in full gear, and all the while Naruto kept running his mouth.

“Y-you’re not gonna hurt me, are ya?” Naruto asked, creeping slowly toward Tora.

Tora, for his part, seemed extremely unimpressed.

“What are you doing!?” Sakura whisper-shouted. “What! Are! You! Doing!”

“My job!” Naruto said.

He took another step forward and Tora rose to his feet. His tail was lashing; he snarled. Naruto yelped and froze. Idiot. _Idiot._ Tora leapt for him. Sasuke grabbed onto Naruto’s shirt and yanked, pulling him away from Tora’s sharp, deadly claws. It was a near miss.

“I have rope!” Sakura said. “We can tie him up or—”

It was almost like Tora could understand her, because the instant she said that it had turned on her. She shrieked and spider-climbed the wall. Tora made a jump for it but missed by a wide margin. He tried again once, twice, but gave up when he realized it was futile.

“He’s not a nice kitty,” Naruto said belatedly.

“You think?” Sasuke said. He wanted to scream, but he was an Uchiha. Uchiha did not express weakness. “Come on. Let’s get up there.”

Sasuke scaled the wall quickly, coming up onto the roof of the building opposite Sakura. She was clutching to the edge of the roof, knuckles white, staring down at Tora.

“They didn’t tell us he was a tiger,” she said. She looked up. “They didn’t tell us—“

_Boom._

Sakura’s eyes widened. The sound had come from below, and that could only mean one thing. In unison, the both of them looked down at the alley. In his excitement Naruto had failed to climb the side of the building; there was a very small crater in the side of the building and Naruto was on his back on the ground.

Sakura clapped her hands over her mouth in horror. Sasuke prepared to jump in and do—he didn’t know, do _something,_ but Tora had already made his move.

He pounced, quick as lightning, huge paws landing on Naruto’s chest. Naruto wheezed—it was almost comical except for the fact that he was being crushed under what was probably around 600 pounds of tiger.

Sakura squeaked. Sasuke found he was frozen again.

Instead of biting Naruto’s face off, or mauling him, or doing any of the things it should have been doing because it was a _tiger it’s a tiger Tora is a big scary tiger_ —

It leaned down and sniffed at Naruto’s clothing. It seemed to smell something it liked, because its eyes went wide and it enthusiastically nosed around until it found what it was looking for, clutched in Naruto’s hand: the bag of kitty treats.

It took them gently, backed off, and began to tear the bag to shreds, keeping Naruto in its field of vision at all times.

“Oh,” Sakura said. “Ohhhh.”

She jumped softly down from the roof and Sasuke followed suit. As soon as they hit the ground Tora’s head snapped up and he growled. Immediately, Sakura threw her bag toward him, and Sasuke followed suit. Tora settled back, appeased.

* * *

Sakura had been afraid that Tora would attack them again as soon as he finished eating. That didn’t come to pass. He only looked at them, licked his lips, and stood up, padding softly over to them.

“Hey,” Sakura said, quietly. “Do you think he’ll follow us back to Madam Shijimi?”

“I dunno,” Naruto said. “We have to try.”

“Use the rope,” Sasuke said.

“Huh? Why?” Naruto asked. “He’s nice now.”

“No, we should,” Sakura said. “It’ll be bad enough to walk a leashed tire through Konoha’s streets. Imagine if he was just roaming.”

“Oh,” Naruto said. “But wasn’t he doing that before?”

“Maybe that’s why he was hiding here,” Sakura said.

“Let’s just get this over with,” Sasuke said. “I’m sick of this mission.”

He didn’t need to say it twice.

She stepped closer to Tora until she could extend her hand toward him. She hoped she didn’t look nervous. Tora sniffed her hand and looked at her expectantly. She sidled over to him and found a plastic loop on his collar that she could tie her rope to. She had no doubts Tora could break free of it if he wanted, but she just had to hope they were lucky.

“We should try to steer clear of crowds on the way back to Madam Shijimi,” Sakura said, winding the end of the rope around her hand a few times. She bit her lip. “But I don’t know if I could get us back to the inn without taking the main streets.”

“I can!” Naruto volunteered. “I know _all_ the back-streets around here.”

“Hmph,” Sasuke grunted. “Let’s see if that holds up.”

The time of day was also in their favor. It was sunset, nearly dark, so aside from people returning home from work, there would be less foot traffic than there would have been when they started the mission.

The three of them began to make their way back to the inn where Madam Shijimi was staying. It took a good while longer since Naruto kept doubling back and got them lost at least once, and Tora kept choosing the oddest moments to balk. He would sit down and stare at them obstinately, grooming himself for a few minutes and then getting back up to be led around.

It was well after dark when they made it to the inn. Sakura threw the door open unceremoniously. It had been a long day, she was sweaty from the muggy summer air, she’d just come down from one of the biggest scares she’d had since the Wave mission, and she was ready to be done with it.

Tora had grown on her slightly, but he was still a tiger. A huge tiger who had jumped on Naruto. She was sick and tired of Tora’s stupid face and never wanted to see it again.

“Ah! My heroes!”

Madam Shijimi had seen them. She was crossing the room at speeds Sakura had thought were unachievable for a human being. In a flash she was crouched at Tora’s side. She was peppering him with kisses all over his forehead, cooing at him for coming back to her.

After a good few minutes of this display, which grew more sickening to Sakura with every second that passed by, Madam Shijimi turned to them.

“You found him so quickly,” she said, clasping her hands in front of her. “How can I ever repay you?”

“It was nothing. But for a start, you could hand us our money.”

Sakura nearly jumped out of her skin. Naruto yelped, and Sasuke only tensed. Kakashi looked down at the three of them. Then, absurdly, he smiled.

“It was a hard job,” he continued. Sakura took a moment to process his words, and when he did, she felt herself start to swell with indignant rage. “But here he is, safe and sound.”

“Of course, of course,” Madam Shijimi said. She retrieved a small, elegant-looking money pouch from a pocket in her clothing and pulled out a handful of neat, crisp bills. Madam Shijimi gave them a dazzling smile. “Here it is. Thank you so much, everyone. I won’t forget this.”

Kakashi took the money from her. “Thank you. We were glad to help such an esteemed figure.” He pushed the bills into Sakura’s hands, grinning cheerfully at her. “Split that up between you guys and save some for me. Meet me tomorrow at the bridge, usual time. Good work today, you three!”

He ushered them out of the door with a firm hand. Sakura tried to dig her heels in, tried to resist so she could chew Kakashi out for pretending he’d even provided so much as a _smidgen_ of help, but he was too strong. The door shut behind them.

Sakura clenched her fist. She didn’t care that she had just crinkled their brand new money.

“That _son of a—_!”

* * *

“Did you enjoy it, Hatake?” Madam Shijimi asked. She had straightened up, and the saccharine smile she had been wearing fell away from her face.

“It never gets old,” Kakashi said, shaking his head.

“How was the betting pool?”

“Maa,” Kakashi said, looking away. As usual, they’d all lost out to Anko. “Like it always is.”

All in all, it had been a good day.


End file.
